Akira – Yamashitas Lost Treasure (found)

All you wannabe Indiana Jones bozo’s digging and snorkeling around the Philippine Islands here can finally stop. This week, Trike Patrol has discovered and plowed over that supposedly lost treasure you’ve been hopelessly searching for all these years. This may come as a depressing shock to you, but there was never any actual Japanese “gold” buried in the dirt or under the ocean you fools. No, no, those crafty Japanese buggers merely used the term “gold” as a code word for something else.

That something else was actually the “Divine Sperm”, which the forward thinking Imperial leaders of Japan instructed all of its soldiers to “bury” in as many Filipina wombs as possible during their occupation here. The results? A lovely brand of Maganda Filipinas with “Yamashita’s Gold” in their bloodlines. They’ve been hidden in plain sight all along. Their soft and beautiful northeast Asian features, calm demeanor and hirsute pussies should have been dead giveaways, but most of us could see the bonsai forrest through the banana trees.

Most of us, except for Trike Patrol that is. We know a half-breed Pinay as soon as we see one, and Akira had us in attack mode at first sight; Tora, Tora, Tora! When John fixed his beef bayonet and moved in for the kill, Akira had little chance of escape. Probably sensing the inevitable, she put up little resistance before accompanying him back to his home base of operations; a sleazy little short-time hotel with bed linens of questionable cleanliness.

Soon after, Akira obediently knelt down to pay homage to John’s Red-Rising Son, which appeared seemingly out of nowhere. He carved his entrenching tool into her hairy Filapanese foxhole and bashed it around from several different positions and angles. Accepting her fate honorably, Akira waited with a gaping mouth to receive John’s bukkake-bomb delivery. If only her forefather’s would’ve been so agreeable; a lot of trouble could’ve been saved all those years ago. But now, thanks to a certain Filipina website, you can save yourself the trouble of searching for lost treasures in the Philippines. Just open your eyes and look no further than the nearest Trike stand.